2021 Wrapped

I have decided that the tone of my blog will be introspective. There is no way to deny the inevitable, and I think that how diaries work, anyway. That's right, I'm shamelessly calling this blog a diary now.

Since we're currently in late-December, I just thought that it would be a good idea to write something to reflect back on the year. I hope that this can be a tradition, but we'll see if I'm free enough to write something next year and the years after that.

2021 has been a year of many adventures. It is a year of challenges. It is a year of many firsts. Although this year has been a difficult one, I have a feeling it might be one of the most memorable year yet.

2021 has brought so many memories to me, both good and bad ones.

Early in the year, I reconnected with friends I thought I had lost. It was truly something out of my expectations, it has been years, and we have drifted to far apart. But, I really do think that the universe has a mysterious way of bringing and stringing things along (like an invisible string, so to say). As I am writing this I noticed that I have also restored a number of lost connection, like an old co-worker, an old teacher. In some ways, I have also forged new bonds, new beginnings and new stories. 

However, I have also lose some precious connections too. Like, the two best friends I thought that would grow old with me and celebrate many milestones with me. Is there bad blood there? Maybe. Now that I think about it the problem seems so small that it feels funny to have it affect the big picture. But what's done is done. I will always cherish the memories of what used to be, but I can't deny that I have done what needs to be done. Thank you for being my best friends. 

We're both too toxic for each other, perhaps.

While we're on the topic of friends, I feel like 2021 has also taught me an important lesson pertaining to this too. Just because someone says and acts as if you are their best friends, does not mean that they have your best interest. Just like shaking someone's hand while stabbing their back (yes I just quoted Taylor Swift, but I love her, so..). Anyway, perhaps not to that extreme, but I think I should start keeping in mind that people are not always what they seemed. I like to see the best in people, but I should also understand that naivety is a fatal flaw. What's more, I am a people-pleaser through and through, but the person I should be pleasing the most is myself. I feel like I should hold on to that lesson.

The point is, the person who's always acting nice and smiling to me might not always consider me to be their friend even if I do see them as one. Some people are selfish, and it's not my fault. 

Now, going back to reminiscing, I have done a number of things that 14-year-old me would never have imagined, ever. (Yes, going back to 14 years old cause that's when I first started this blog)

I took the plunge and moved to Jakarta. Although admittedly, rather briefly. To this day, I still do not know if moving back and forth had been a correct, wise choice. A part of me still wonders about what could've been. About the me I could've become if I stayed there. I wonder if somewhere out there, there's a me who never made the choice of moving back? And if so did she find herself belonging in that big world? Did she feel happy? Where is she now? Where could she go in the future?

I know that it's wrong to feel this way, and I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but honestly, I feel like a failure for moving back here. 

I love this picture, though. 

There's no point in dwelling on it, I suppose. The only way to go is forward, we don't look back. Ever.

I want to do a lot of travelling in the future. Seeing sights, eating food, and having fun. I want to see the clouds from an airplane window and take a picture of it again.

Jakarta's one of the reason this year has been eventful. Jakarta set off strings of event that brought me to experience many things. For one, if it weren't for Jakarta, I wouldn't even have considered making a career of my Mandarin skill. I would have been too hesitant, to unsure of my skills to even try. But I guess, desperation really pushes you to do many things. Like, applying for a job in a foreign China-based company. Like, teaching Mandarin as second language. 

Also, I graduated from college this year! That's one good thing that has happened this year. It's been a long journey.

I was looking through my cupboard last night and found a magazine from my college. As I flipped through it, I had an epiphany that I should have joined club activities. I like writing, so journalism would have been an interesting extracurricular for me. Plus, I could have added into a list of things I have dabbled in on my resume, during job interviews. It would also have polished and trained my writing skills. It a shame I hadn't considered it back then. New lesson: I should try not to be too lazy. That will get me nowhere.

Another lesson that I have learned this year too: Stop buying cheap stuff.

As a mostly broke fresh grad, I always buy cheap alternatives to things. Mostly, because they are cheap. In 2021, I learnt that, things are expensive for a reason. Usually they are expensive because quality costs money. While there are some exceptions for this, really consider quality before deciding to buy.

My laptop - which I bought in 2019 - broke down. It was already in sad condition before it broke down, constantly lagging, and BSOD-ing whenever I need to use. It took several minutes to reboot, and when it goes on sleep mode, it's hell to get it to turn on again. Then during the last day I used it, it BSOD-ed on me every 2 minutes. I mean, I really should have known, considering how slow it was even when it was new on my first day of use.

On a brighter note, I bought myself a new, more expensive laptop (three times the price of my old one). I'm gonna be honest and say that well, things really are expensive for a reason. I have found that this applies to most things too, clothes, food, and so on and so forth.

Here's to always having the means to afford quality things. Cheers, I'll drink to that...tea, I mean. (oh, the height of my humor.)

Since we're talking about affording things with money here, I feel like it's prudent to talk about career and earnings in 2021. This year I feel like I have changed jobs so many times. Hopefully this will be the year when I changed jobs the most for the rest of my lives. Starting a new job is exhausting. Of course, I won't deny there are some good parts to changing jobs this year. I have reconnected with people that I haven't even met and talked to in years. I have also made plenty of new friends. While that's good and all, I feel like I'm in that state where I'm still figuring out what I want to do, as a career. I won't go in-depth to this as I have made a previous post regarding this.

Still, I should go easy on myself and look things through a different perspective. I'm 22, and that's the age most people started figuring out what they want to do for their lives anyway. Let's try a good many things is 2022 and see where I belong.

I briefly hesitated, but I ended up adding a romance section. As always, the romance department is as dry as ever. There are days and times where I myself craving romance. Then I started thinking to myself, do I want romance, or do I want the idea of romance? See, the thing is, I've only known romance through books and movies and they are always so perfect, all in rosy colored glass. Reality though, is a lot more complicated than rom-coms. Most people don't ever find happily ever after anyway. I have found that more often that not real life romance disappoint me. I'm afraid that it is because I have set to high of a standard, like those in romance films and books, the standard of which no human man can ever attain. Then again, if I set my standards low, I might as well remain single. 

I'm not going to lie, I have entertained the idea that I could probably be ace or aro, but I don't know. 

Here's to slowly figuring this out in 2022.

I would write a 2022 resolution, but I really cannot find it in me to list down things I want to accomplish within a year. Life is hard, and we can take things one step at a time. Plus, I could spare my disappointment in January 2023 if I don't accomplish things. 

Well, I'll end this post here now. This post will probably be the longest thing I've written here thus far. Reflecting on the year had been quite fun. With much luck, let's write another one again on December 2022.