Illusions of Grandeur

This blog is really starting to feel like a diary now. The kind where I update whenever I feel upset, and contemplative. Well, hopefully, as I look back in years, all of this will become something trivial that makes me feel mortified. Fingers crossed.

In general, I have always thought of myself as a mostly positive, optimistic person. Always felt that it was a good thing. Recently, I have come to wonder whether it is truly a good thing.

A lot of things have happened in the span of a few weeks. Mostly well, a broken dream, if I can even call it that.

I had high hopes for Jakarta. Even now, a part of me still think: "If only I liked Jakarta". A week in Jakarta made me realize how truly small I am. Just a tiny speck of insignificant dust compared to the vastness of the universe. Then, the reality sinks in. I do not belong and I don't know if I will ever feel that I belong. I don't even know if I wanted to belong there.

Of course, not saying that it is a bad place. Objectively speaking, I still think it is a great place to be. The people are polite, society is far more progressive. Still, I find myself missing the comfort and the convenience of my own hometown. Things and places are not so accessible there. Everything is far and expensive. The food is especially terrible. Subjectively speaking, it is a terrible place.

Not to quote Fantine but then and there I think I understood what 'there are dreams that cannot be' means. 

I would like to think that I am destined for greatness, just like every single YA protagonist out there. But, even as I am a protagonist in my own life, this is not a book. I might not even be able to change the world. I am, in the end, far too small to be able to make even a little difference in the world. It's a depressing thought, but I find that I am surprisingly okay with that.

I think I'm a little too old to be indulging in some illusions of grandeur. Realistically speaking, how many people can manage to change the world anyhow? I find that being average doesn't sound all that bad at all. Everybody lives their little average life, there's nothing shameful about that. Now, I find that the most important thing is to be happy and content with my own life, as average as it is. 

Big dreams cost money, and I am currently in no financial position to afford any sort of big dreams.

And that's okay.

So here I am, back in my little average life, and well going through the nightmare of job hunting. Which is as terrible as it sounds.

One thing I'll say is that I really hate how complicated it is to find a decent job in Medan. Suddenly all those posts of needing 1000 years of experience despite being a fresh graduate becomes completely relatable.

I'm putting this here cause I might forget it in the future. One of the worst interview experience was PHG. The users were horrible and condescending. That'll teach me to even think about switching jobs again next time

The interview at PHG made me seriously reconsider about starting a career in corporate. I always thought working corporate makes a cool job. Posts about corporate being a soul-sucking job has always confused me. After going to that interview, things make perfect sense. Working at corporate must be like Azkaban. Heavy workloads, unpaid overtime and mandatory business trips must suck all your soul away. Moreover, having zero experience in working corporate makes me an unfavorable candidate, so I really dread going to interviews and having to hear: "Oh, but you are inexperienced". The thought of being some corporate slave going through the same motions everyday scares me.

I would like to go back to teaching / education field again. It must be ridiculous to say this now, especially since I have always said things like : I don't wanna teach my whole life. I have realized though, that teaching is a better paid, less stressful option compared to being a corporate slave. I have interviewed for some schools and is really hoping to hear back from this one school. Hopefully tomorrow, or Monday. (Universe, if you're seeing this, please help me manifest this one)

I know I will regret to say this once I start working, but I really want to get back to working real soon. It has been therapeutic to dump this one out. With much luck, my next post will be something with a happier tone.