Reminiscing

 After seven years, I guess I am sort of back? My last post on this blog was dated September 2014. Will updates be regular? I don't know. I might start updating again, or perhaps I will wait another seven years and update in 2028. Not that anyone cares, of course. Do people actually visit my blog?

Let me preface this by saying that I can't believe that seven years has passed since my last post. I can't believe I haven't deleted it yet. I can't believe it hasn't been automatically deleted yet. I guess that's one of the prove that whatever you put on the internet stays here forever.

One thing I'll say, in seven years, it feels as if so many things have changed. But at the same time, it doesn't feel like things have changed at all. It feels surreal

I'm not gonna lie, I went through all the previous posts and read everything I posted here. Safe to say, there has been plenty of embarrassment. God, 14 year-old me, what is wrong with you? Still, at the same time it feels a little wistful. I have to say, that most of what I posted, the people I bashed right here in this blog, I don't remember them anymore. Of course, there are things that I still remember. Huh. Look at that, time really do put things in perspective.

Whelp, the tone of this post will be introspective, I guess. 

14 year-old me probably thought that friendships would last forever. Present me begs to differ. Sometimes it is not even disagreement, but due to the reality of the world, or time or even distance. Some friendships were meant to last, but some came with an expiration dates. In 2014, I wouldn't have imagined that any of my friendships had an expiration date. We talked about being each other maid-of-honor, how our kids would practically be cousins. Now I think those kinds of friendship probably only exists in movies and TV shows. Part of me wishes it's real though.

When I come back years later, will this still matter to me?

In hindsight, 14 year-old me was a doormat. There's a whole lot of trauma going on there. For example, I was full of insecurities. Looking back, I think that 14 year-old me didn't know that she deserved better. I think that she's kind of desperate for any kind of acceptance, that she'd take shit from people, just for that acceptance. Keep it in, shut it down, make the peace. At the time, she probably didn't even realize that. I think that she was all sorts of caught up in other worlds, so that the pain of reality never caught up with her? That, or maybe she was just naive and ignorant.

I could probably have kept that friendship if I stayed naive and ignorant. But, in the end we all have to grow up. And expired things - no matter how good it used to be - have to be thrown out. It is all for the best.

Despite that, there are friendships that are worth keeping. I am really worried about this friendship right now, though. When I come back years later and look back at this post, I am afraid that we'll just become strangers who used to know each other's secret. Strangers who used to look at each other with heart in our eyes. 

There are also friendships that I let drift away. Did it use to be love, was it mutual? A part of me wants to think that it used to be mutual, to some extent. But in the end, I think I have always been that coward, who's afraid of commitment, of letting anyone look at the all the ugly parts of me. It's all gone now. But a part of me will always remember talking about "How I met your mother" in early evening. And what I hope and think is some kind of awkward reassurance about my weight? (okay, it was probably mutual)

I've never thought that I have progressed so much in life. But looking back now, I'm actually surprised at how much I have progressed as a person.

In terms of friendship, I hope that what I have now will last years and years, considering that they are better company. I think it is a good idea to maintain it too. After all, one day I'm gonna reach that age where I'm just too old to meet any new friends anymore. And if I don't get married, I would want sisters to be enjoying the good life with me.