Alacrity

For better or for worse, I think I'm going to post sporadically. I'm having this idea where I post a blog on a single random word everyday. Here's to hopefully not getting bored (oh, dear me and my short attention span). Anyway, today's theme will be Alacrity.

After rediscovering this blog, I've been through a roller coaster of emotions. At first, I was embarrassed and mortified. I guess there's some semblance of truth when they say you're gonna look back at what you posted when you're 14 and cringe painfully at it. Whoops, haha. Afterwards, the more I think about 14 year-old me, the sadder I got. There's this gnawing feeling of what I used to be and what I used to have. Then I kind of  realized - with an italicized oh - that there's no going back there. I think I missed being 14. 

Okay, that paragraph's definitely not alacrity. Moving on.

At the ripe old age of 21, I feel so old and so young at the same time. So old that there are these tons of memories and experience that are now bygones. Yet, so young that I still have my whole life ahead of me. I have this epiphany that there's still time to do whatever it is that I want to do. I used to think that time is running out for me, I have to accomplish and achieve things quickly before it's too late. 

I think this particular thing is true for everyone. When we're young, we want to grow up quickly. I remember being a teenager and wanting to be in my mid-twenties, where I somehow have everything magically figured out and is living my dream life. Even now, I want to skip ahead to my thirties, desperately wishing that I don't have to be the one to figure life out. Looking back, I think it was a form of escapism on my part. I was disappointed with my life then that I probably was wishing I were in a better place. Anyway these are all pointless thoughts. I have realized that there is no way to live the future. I can only live in the present or else.

Something I have always known about myself is that I am a professional procrastinator, in a way. I put off doing things that are important to me, studying, doing assignments (the whole reason I'm stuck right now is also due to this, sadly. Not proud of it, but I guess it is a lesson). I put off even mundane things, like watching shows, playing new games. I've had so many ideas about stories I want to write but I kept putting them off and end up never writing about it, ever. 

Some part of me always thought that, I'll leave that to future me, and that is a never ending cycle. I'm thinking now that I can't keep letting future me pick up all the slack. I gotta help her too somehow, this should be a team effort too, on my part. It's big time I fix this bad, toxic habit

Okay, and now I have realized that none of these have anything with alacrity.

But this, I'll say, hopefully this counts. There are a lot of mentions about melancholy in my previous posts. I think my teenage years were some of the darkest years of my life. I was really in a bad place then. Now, seven years later, I find that I'm feeling really hopeful about the future. 

ps. to the 14 year old me, you hang in there. It does get better.